Dont you look down
there.
Keep your cursor away
from the scroll bar.
All hope is not yet lost.
Your screen has not yet been defiled.
So, just click below and scram.
Nobody will tell your mom.
Simply admit it: You Need Help.
So click that little mouse of yours
before it's too late...
You could do it right here:
Rescue me, please.
I Am Frightened And I Wish to Return to A Safe Place.
Let no harm come to me.
|
OK, you asked for it...
That's it, now. You're toast....
1) Rosebud is a sled. (Citizen Kane)

2) Soylent Green is people. (Soylent Green)
3) The Planet of the Apes is really Earth. (Planet of the Apes)
4) Kevin Spacey is really Keyser Soze. (The Usual Suspects)
5) Jaye Davidson is a man. (The Crying Game)
6) Forest Whitaker dies. (The Crying Game)
7) Evelyn Mulwray (Faye Dunaway) gets her eyeball blown out at the end. (Chinatown)
8) Kathryn Mulwray is Evelyn Mulwrays daughter and her sister. (Chinatown)
9) Noah Cross (John Huston) is Evelyn Mulwrays (Faye Dunaway) father and
her lover. (Chinatown)
10) Barbara Jean (Ronee Blakely) gets assassinated by Kenny, the kid with the
glasses. (Nashville)
11) Kevin Costner is really the spy, after all. (No Way Out)
12) Will Patton is a hysterical gay wacko Red Herring with a crush on his boss,
Gene Hackman. (No Way Out)
13) Harrison Fords wife, Bonnie Bedelia, killed the babe (Greta Scacchi).
(Presumed Innocent)
14) Darth Vader is Lukes father. (Empire Strikes Back)
15) Princess Leia is Lukes Sister. (Return of the Jedi)
16) It was all Edward G. Robinsons dream. (The Woman in the Window)
17) Laura (Gene Tierney) is not really dead and it was Waldo Lydecker (Clifton
Webb) who tried to kill her. (Laura)
18) Leland Palmer (Ray Wise) killed Laura Palmer (Sheryl Lee) while he was
possessed by Killer Bob. (Twin Peaks)
19) Norman Bates mom has been dead for some time; he dresses up like her
and kills folks, including Janet Leigh and Martin Balsam. (Psycho)
20) You never find out if Pat is a man or a woman. (Its Pat)
21) Michael Corleones daughter (Sofia Coppola) gets shot and killed at
the opera. Michael himself keels over inauspiciously years later. (The Godfather, Part
III)
22) Michael (Al Pacino) has his own brother, Fredo (John Cazale), killed. (The
Godfather, Part II)
23) George and Martha have an imaginary kid that George kills off. (Whos
Afraid of Virginia Woolf?)
24) The whole Wild Bunch gets slaughtered at the end. (The Wild Bunch)
25) Emma Thompson was really Margaret Strauss and Kenneth Branagh was really
Roman Strauss. Or vice-versa. (Dead Again)
26) George Amberson Minafer (Tim Holt) gets his comeuppance a thousand times
over. (The Magnificent Ambersons)
27) "Louis Cyphre" (Robert DeNiro) is really the Devil. Lucifer
get it? (Angel Heart)
28) The mysterious guy is really Tom Berenger before he was in the car accident
and had plastic surgery. (Shattered)
29) The Phone Company is behind it all. (The Presidents Analyst)
30) Freddy Krueger, Jason, and Michael Myers are NOT REALLY DEAD at the end of
every one of their many movies.
31) Everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY) is in on the Kennedy assasination coverup.
(JFK)
32) Mildred Pierce is only covering for that bitch out of hell she calls a
daughter. (Mildred Pierce)
33) That whole Oz affair was the result of a nasty blow to the head and never
really happened. (The Wizard of Oz)
34) Carrie's arm comes out of the ground at the end and grabs Amy Irving by the
wrist, but scary as it is, it's just a dream. (Carrie)
35) Bambis mom dies. (Bambi)
36) Simbas dad dies. (The Lion King)
37) Julia Roberts dies at the end, thank goodness. (Steel Magnolias)
38) Debra Winger dies before the end. (Terms of Endearment)
39) Ali McGraw dies at the end. (Love Story)
40) James Caan dies at the end. (Brian's Song)
41) Robert Redford dies at the end. (Up Close and Personal)
42) Marlon Brando dies at the end. (The Godfather)
43) John Wayne dies at the end. (The Cowboys)
44) Butch and Sundance get blown to bits in Bolivia. (Butch Cassidy and the
Sundance Kid)
45) Bonnie and Clyde get shot full of holes in a field. (Bonnie and Clyde)
46) JFK is blown to bits over and over again. (JFK)
47) The rotten little brat gets blown to bits by lightning! (The Bad Seed)
Then she gets a good spanking during the end credits.
48) Linda Fiorentino is the erotic killer named Jade. (Jade)
49) Glen is Glenda. (Glen Or Glenda?)
50) Major Kong (Slim Pickens) rides the hydrogen bomb that triggers the end of
the world. (Dr. Strangelove, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb)
51) The President (Henry Fonda) orders the Air Force to drop a hydrogen bomb on
New York City. (Fail Safe)
52) The Q-Bomb doesn't work--or does it? (The Mouse That Roared)
53) Jack Lemmon dies at the end. (The China Syndrome)
54) Henry Fonda dies at the end. (Mr. Roberts)
55) Charlton Heston dies at the end. (The Omega Man, Earthquake)
56) William Shatner dies at the end. (Star Trek: Generations)
57) Cary Grant doesn't die at the end. (Father Goose)
58) Kris actually is Santa Claus. (Miracle On 34th Street)
59) Rambo wins, in spite of overwhelming odds. (Rambo, Rambo II, Rambo III....)
60) The plane lands safely. (Airport, Airplane!)
61) Cole (Bruce Willis) is actually the young boy who watches his future self
die. (Twelve Monkeys)
62) Gwyneth Paltrow's head gets delivered to Brad Pitt in a box. (Seven)
63) When everybody dies except Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) and the shuttle leaves
the mother ship, all of the Aliens are NOT dead. (Alien)
64) When the shuttle leaves the planet's surface, all of the Aliens are NOT
dead. (Aliens)
65) When Ripley plummets into the flames at the end of Alien3, enough
of her is still left over for her to be cloned and come back for Alien4.
66) The U.S. decides NOT to nuke Russia. (Crimson Tide)
67) James Bond (George Lazenby) marries a countess (Diana Rigg) at the end, but
she's promptly killed. (On Her Majesty's Secret Service)
68) The Maltese falcon is a fake. (The Maltese Falcon)
69) Kathleen Turner stages her death in order to frame William Hurt for her
murder and heads off to paradise with all the money while he rots in jail. (Body Heat)
70) Charlie Wade (Kris Kristofferson) was killed by Deputy Hollis Pogue and not
by Sheriff Buddy Deeds (Matthew McConaughey). (Lone Star)
71) Sam Deeds (Chris Cooper) and Pilar (Elizabeth Pena) are not only boyfriend
and girlfriend, they're brother and sister, too. (Lone Star)
72) Thelma and Louise drive off a cliff in their T-Bird at the end. (Thelma and Louise)
73) The entire movie is an enormous hallucination in the mind of a Vietnam
soldier at the moment of death. (Jacob's Ladder)
74) Vincent Vega (John Travolta) is shot to death by Butch the boxer (Bruce
Willis) in the middle of the movie. (Pulp Fiction)
75) Scarlett (Vivian Leigh) finally realizes that she loves Rhett (Clark
Gable), but by that time he no longer gives a damn and leaves her for good. (Gone With
the Wind)
76) Murder suspect Aaron Stampler (Edward Norton) killed the archbishop and
convinced his defense attorney (Richard Gere) that "someone else" committed the
crime. (Primal Fear)
77) Everybody gets shot by everybody else. (Reservoir Dogs)
78) The boat sinks. (Titanic)
79) Jack (Leonardo Di Caprio) dies -- along with hundreds of other people. (Titanic)
80) Walter Matthau is the killer, not Cary Grant. (Charade)
81) Setsuko Hara decides to get married and leaves her parents/widowed
mother/widowed father/extended family to deal with the consequences (Late Spring,
Early Summer). By Late Autumn, she's the widowed mother who gets left.
82) Rick does not leave with Ilsa. (Casablanca).
83) Paul Newman dies, due to a "failure to communicate", despite
George Kennedy's assurance of clemency. (Cool Hand Luke)
84) Robert DeNiro dies and Al Pacino, errr... doesn't, in the final climactic
showdown. (Heat)
85) A lobotomized, vegetative Randall Patrick McMurphy (Jack Nicholson) is
smothered to death with a pillow by the "Chief" (Will Sampson) in an act of
mercy; the "Cheif" then escapes the mental institution. (One Flew Over
the Cuckoo's Nest)
86) The bomb has an epiphany and blows everyone up. (Dark Star)
87) They all become alien "pod people" -- and you're next. (Invasion
of the Body Snatchers)
88) The Masked Man is gay. (Thank You Masked Man)
89) There is a heavy metal concert, and Robert Plant shakes his mighty mane. (The
Song Remains the Same)
90) The suspect actually did it. (Prime Suspect I)
91) Dolores Claiborne (Kathy Bates) did not kill her employer, Vera
Donovan(Judy Parfitt), but, in fact, tried to save her life. (Dolores Claiborne)
92) It remains a Mystery. (Picnic at Hanging Rock)
93) Boy shoots dog. (Old Yeller)
94) He's not English after all. (The English Patient)
95) Nazis force her to choose which of her children will die. (Sophie's
Choice)
96) He loses. (Rocky)
97) They all dunnit. (Murder on the Orient Express)
98) The behavior-modification/mind-control experiment fails. (A Clockwork
Orange)
99) Meryl Streep had a farm in Africa; Robert Redford dies. (Out of Africa)
100) Shelly Winters dies. (The Poseidon Adventure)
101) The entire account was an incredibly intricate improvisation crafted by
Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey) during interrogation based on minute details in the room. (The
Usual Suspects) (See #4, above).
102) Rosencrantz and Guildenstern die. (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are
Dead, Hamlet)
103) Lassie comes home. (Lassie Come Home)
104) It's a good thing Bruce Willis brought a backup drill, as it lets
him achieve movie martyrdom by being blown to smithereens after sending his daughter
and her lover off the hurtling asteroid to safety and wedded bliss on a
no-longer-imperiled Earth. (Armageddon)
105) Charlie wins; Veruca Salt dies. (Willy
Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
106) Catherine Trammell (Sharon Stone) is the
killer. (Basic Instinct)
107) William Gates injures his ankle and is never
the same; Arthur Agee is the one who achieves success his senior year. (Hoop Dreams)
108) Nicole Kidman's the killer. (Malice)
109) Leonard Nimoy (Mr. Spock) dies at the end of Star Trek II - The Wrath
of Khan.
110) Leonard Nimoy (Mr. Spock) lives at the end of Star Trek III -
TheSearch for Spock.
111) The humpback whales are extinct at the begining of Star Trek IV - The
Voyage Home.
112) The humpback whales are not extinct at the end of Star Trek IV -
TheVoyage Home.
113) Anna Karina is not infamous, she is a woman. (Une femme est une
femme).
114) Lindsey Brigman(Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) dies... But only for about 10
minutes. Virgil "Bud" Brigman(Ed Harris) is rescued from certain death after
disarming the nuke by aliens who then expose themselves to the US Navy. (The Abyss)
115) Denzel Washington dies at the end... And Azazel doesn't. (Fallen)
116) Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell)'s boyfriend Billy Loomis (Skeet Ulrich)
and Stuart Macher( Mathew Lillard) are the killers. (Scream)
117) Debbie Salt (Laurie Metcalf), Billy Loomis' mother, and Mickey the creepy
Tarantino film student (Timothy Olyphant) are the killers. PS. Randy Meeks
(Jamie Kennedy) dies. (Scream 2)
118) It really is a game, all sponsored by Nicholas Van Orton(Michael
Douglas)'s brother, Conrad (Sean Penn). (The Game)
And now, we
present you with your final options:
| A. I am shattered
and in despair, not unlike Scotty (James
Stewart) at the end of Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo, after Kim Novak really
plummets off the mission belltower to her death (because the first time was just staged to
cover up Gavin's murder of his wife). God help me. Get
me out of here. |
B. I am strangely exhilarated by my oh-so-bitter taste of the
Forbidden Fruit of Film Knowledge. I am sorely tempted, therefore, to reserve
my own special place in Movie Hell by
contributing further shocking and horrifying revelations to the list above; all I need do
is click the address below to instantly send e-mail to:
moviehell@cinepad.com.
Because my will is weak, I will check back periodically to see how the list of atrocities
has grown...And now, I am spent. Take me somewhere else...
|
Well, don't say we
didn't warn you...
Jeeem extends special thanks to those brave souls
who have risked (or perhaps ensured) Eternal Damnation by contributing their two cents to
The Forbidden List above. At least Movie Hell won't be so lonely. Among those
wiseacres who daringly revealed their identities along with their submissions are: Glenn Cummings, Jeffrey Kaplan, Kevin Gunn, Simon Parsons,
Eric Piercey, Norm Cohen, F. Dylan Ashford, Paul Roub, Jeff Greenlee, Pamela Curry, Chris
York, Marc Shapiro, Chuck Johnston, Joe D. Richardson, Adam Bonin, Daffyd Woodrow
Rockerick, Paul Miller, Malek, Fabiene Caroulle...
Now it's your turn...
moviehell@cinepad.com |